Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I think this is the part where I'm supposed to be happy

but I'll share a secret with you- I'm really not all that happy. You know those smiles we share over coffee? Those chats where we mention diaper brands and what event to plan next?

I'm smiling for you.

Inside I just feel empty.

This is the world I live in. It's like there's a wall of glass and every color, every thought, every moment that shines through it becomes muted somehow. There really are few things I love in this life. Am is the biggest redeeming factor as far as I can tell, and even then some days are better than others- as I'm sure any mom can say.

So I write peppy. I add exclamation marks and thank yous to the end of my emails, happy signs and the like. What would you say if you knew I had been crying the night before? What would you do if you knew how truly alone I felt- that sometimes I just stare out the window after my daughter goes to bed, watching the cars on the highway, marveling at how close they are and how none of them even know I'm here? Would you even do anything? Would it matter?

Do I matter?

Like I said in the last post- I'm tired. I'm tired of all of these social niceties. Some days I want to lash out.

"No, I won't check the stupid website domain every single day. The odds of anyone else besides us even wanting it in the first place are slim to nil."

"Hey mum, did you even notice I've tried talking to you for last half hour and you've either cut off or not heard every sentence I've said because you're so busy paying attention to my daughter? Is that the only reason you want to be around me now? (I know, I'm using the 'me' term loosely here.)"

or maybe just "Hey thanks for not-so-subtly hinting that I should talk to someone else about my problems. I appreciate you reminding me that we're not really friends at all."

How about, "I checked my phone numerous times last weekend after I sent you a message. Please stop pretending you didn't just blow me off?"

Yeah, there's a lot I let slide in my life.

But hey, don't mention it...

right?

2 comments:

  1. I have certainly had days like these. I hope every day isn't like this for you. I don't have many words of wisdom for you just want to say sorry you feel like that and I hope it changes.

    Sometimes a change of place helps - get outside, take a day trip. Even if only for the day - you might feel better.

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  2. Thank you for commenting in the first place. I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes. I went out and ran a few errands today then I've decided to make the rest of the week as stress-free as I can. I already feel a bit better so it's not too bad.

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