...who has these moments with a sense of overwhelming futility?
I try to be upbeat on this blog but honestly, that's not who I am. At least, that's not who I am entirely. I'm as flawed as everyone else, sometimes I think more so.
So, D & I are no more. We haven't really been together since before Thanksgiving. In that aspect I really am a single mom again.
But that's not exactly what I wanted to write about here.
Do you ever get tired?
I'm tired right now.
Am is awake in her bedroom refusing to nap and I'm just too tired to bring myself to do anything about it.
I've been sick for the last day or two, been getting an average of 5-6 hours of sleep for a little over a week, and I guess I don't have all of the answers.
I don't know how to potty train Am and the only real help I have is a few printouts from ECFE. I've tried, and failed, a few times now. I was trying again but yeah, sick.
I've got a big white Christmas tree sitting in the living room with only half of its branches down. The rest are still being held together with a few big rubber bands. I really want to see it decorated but the thought of even standing to do simple chores makes me feel worse.
I hate it. I'm achey. It's hurts to breathe. It hurts to swallow. It feels like some keeps rubbing fine grain sandpaper inside my throat. I've been having headaches off and on. Yesterday I had some chills and had to keep huddled under a blanket. This should be bad enough but-
Am is still her energetic self. It's not like I want her to get sick too. I just wish she'd behave and settle down a bit. Yesterday I went into the bathroom when she was playing in there yet again (which is against the rules right now) and thought she had put a bunch of toilet paper in the toilet. No, after I attempted to flush it I found out it was actually half of box kleenex. The drned thing almost overflowed but at the last second suddenly flushed away.
Today I was feeling a bit better so I went to take a shower during her nap. I come out to find her standing in the hallway. She had gotten into her bedroom closet and pulled out all of the stuff I JUST organized two days ago! I had had to do that because she had gotten into it then too and ended up ripping up a bunch of curriculum I had been saving for her.
Even right now while writing this I can hear her getting into stuff again. I just don't know what to do. She won't listen to me at all. I feel worse than ineffective.
I feel useless and alone.
I wish I could call someone. I look at other moms who have all of that support with their friends and family and I'll admit it, I'm jealous. I mean, I really love my privacy and independence but sometimes a little help would be a godsend, literally. I just know that if I did ask for help right now I'd get turned down- or guilted which would be worse considering how I'm feeling. Noboody wants to risk getting themselves sick. I suppose I shouldn't blame them but I kind of do- because if they needed me I would do my best to help. I suppose that just makes it feel worse to me. *sigh*
I can feel myself getting sick again. The stress isn't helping. My throat hurts and now it feels tight too.
I've been doing my best but my best doesn't do much good.
Some days I just wish I wasn't me.