Saturday, December 19, 2009

Am I The Only One...

...who has these moments with a sense of overwhelming futility?

I try to be upbeat on this blog but honestly, that's not who I am. At least, that's not who I am entirely. I'm as flawed as everyone else, sometimes I think more so.

So, D & I are no more. We haven't really been together since before Thanksgiving. In that aspect I really am a single mom again.

But that's not exactly what I wanted to write about here.

Do you ever get tired?

I'm tired right now.

Am is awake in her bedroom refusing to nap and I'm just too tired to bring myself to do anything about it.

I've been sick for the last day or two, been getting an average of 5-6 hours of sleep for a little over a week, and I guess I don't have all of the answers.

I don't know how to potty train Am and the only real help I have is a few printouts from ECFE. I've tried, and failed, a few times now. I was trying again but yeah, sick.

I've got a big white Christmas tree sitting in the living room with only half of its branches down. The rest are still being held together with a few big rubber bands. I really want to see it decorated but the thought of even standing to do simple chores makes me feel worse.

I hate it. I'm achey. It's hurts to breathe. It hurts to swallow. It feels like some keeps rubbing fine grain sandpaper inside my throat. I've been having headaches off and on. Yesterday I had some chills and had to keep huddled under a blanket. This should be bad enough but-

Am is still her energetic self. It's not like I want her to get sick too. I just wish she'd behave and settle down a bit. Yesterday I went into the bathroom when she was playing in there yet again (which is against the rules right now) and thought she had put a bunch of toilet paper in the toilet. No, after I attempted to flush it I found out it was actually half of box kleenex. The drned thing almost overflowed but at the last second suddenly flushed away.

Today I was feeling a bit better so I went to take a shower during her nap. I come out to find her standing in the hallway. She had gotten into her bedroom closet and pulled out all of the stuff I JUST organized two days ago! I had had to do that because she had gotten into it then too and ended up ripping up a bunch of curriculum I had been saving for her.

Even right now while writing this I can hear her getting into stuff again. I just don't know what to do. She won't listen to me at all. I feel worse than ineffective.

I feel useless and alone.

I wish I could call someone. I look at other moms who have all of that support with their friends and family and I'll admit it, I'm jealous. I mean, I really love my privacy and independence but sometimes a little help would be a godsend, literally. I just know that if I did ask for help right now I'd get turned down- or guilted which would be worse considering how I'm feeling. Noboody wants to risk getting themselves sick. I suppose I shouldn't blame them but I kind of do- because if they needed me I would do my best to help. I suppose that just makes it feel worse to me. *sigh*

I can feel myself getting sick again. The stress isn't helping. My throat hurts and now it feels tight too.

I've been doing my best but my best doesn't do much good.

Some days I just wish I wasn't me.

4 comments:

  1. I remember the days of single parenthood and they were not always pretty. I had three alone and was three hours from family. It does get better. Being tired doesn't help. Try to rest - sleep always makes it better.

    Many blessings.
    Melisa Nielsen
    www.waldorfjourney.typepad.com

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  2. Thanks. Yeah, being a single parent is tough but I actually think I like it more this way- just not when I'm sick. ^_~

    I was able to get some rest and now I'm finally feeling better.

    Seriously though, thanks for the comment. It helped me feel a little better knowing someone else out there knew what I was talking about, not so alone, you know?

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  3. I think the earlier years are hard too when you are worn out. It will get better. You are right too... being single is better than a bad relationship! The right one is there for you though... it will come when you least expect it. I had three little ones and remember thinking all the time "I am damaged goods, no way will anyone look my way." so I just walked on until the Universe smacked me in the face with my second husband.

    Much love and blessings.

    Melisa

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  4. I think I have more doubts about the men out there than about me. I wonder if there's someone who will accept and love my daughter as much as I do AND love me as much as I love him.

    I don't worry about guys looking my way. I worry about them being good guys rather than not. The last thing I want is to be hurt. When I'm upset it doesn't just affect me. It affects my daughter too- in short, our whole family unit. That's really not fair for either of us.

    I like being a single parent because I like being able to take responsibility for my daughter. It's nice not having to ask someone else for their permission or opinion sometimes. If I want to go to a family event I can just take her and go. I don't have to worry about whether a guy will enjoy it too.

    But you're right about being worn out. People say you forget about the first 6 months. lol. I don't think I'll ever forget ours. It's still not 100% there but it is easier. I tell myself someday she'll want to sleep in just as much I do. I just have to bide my time until then. ^_^

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